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Am I Good Enough?

With my last post, I made it sound too much like I never had bad days… Well folks, I do. And today’s one of them.

As I had mentioned in my earlier post I have issues with how I look. Now I say that because today, that’s the main issue.

There’s this girl at lunch. Her name’s Jessica. She and I are the only girls where we sit outside during lunch. There’s like 5 guys out there who are all just friends but they all used to say nice things to me about how I looked nice that day or stuff like that. But now this girl Jessica’s come outside and she lays on the ground and “sun tans” during lunch…And EVERY one of the guys out there treats her as a beautiful goddess…and completely ignore me if I try to say one word.
She sat down next to me today on the bricks and I looked at her and noticed how beautiful she really is. How skinny…How her thighs are even nice and not “large” like mine.

I couldn’t stay out there because of how that made me feel. I went inside and noticed every girl who was like that….It made it worse.

So I ask…Am I Good Enough?

Hey there. So you may have noticed I deleted my first ever post on this page. It was talking about who I was then. Well I haven’t been on here in months and I figured a friend of mine helped me figure out where my profile was again so I’d go on and change some things haha.So as I had said, I’ve changed and I figured the picture with this post would help define me for, well, me.If you read my last post on here I had recently had some issues with self-harm (cutting, anorexia, etc…) and even more recently had had some relapses with these issues. I had cut once almost a month ago for the first time since January. And had some issues with my eating habits. Hell, I still have eating issues.But guys, I’m better. A lot better.With the issues that I have lived through (as you can see in my last post again) I have changed for the better. I no longer cut, and I will not starve myself (on purpose) again.I’ve been going to therapy since the end of July of last year and it used to be every week, and has now reduced to once a month. (Yay!)After overcoming my issues, I’m able to see the world as I used to…no, Better than I used to. The world is a beautiful place if you just stop and watch. In the picture above, that wasn’t staged. I stood there breathless as the wind went through my hair, as the waves crashed at my feet and as the birds flew above my head. Everyday I wake up and wish I was able to look out my window to see another worldly beauty. I can honestly say, that going through the things I have, have all changed me into the person I am today.Without my friends, my ex’s, and my family, I would not have even lived to today. I thank you all. Because, even if you don’t accept all my issues and don’t always agree with me, you’re always there to help me out of a hole I’m in. Without you, I probably would not be alive today.I have a new boyfriend. His name is Brian :)He’s perfect even if he doesn’t see it. He has helped me more than anyone. He’s accepted me and all of my flaws; just as I have with him. There’s something different with him than anyone I’ve known before. Something pure, perfect, and amazing. We think that this might be the “real-deal”. And yes, I know I’m only 17 (almost 18) and I know he’s only 18 (almost 19) but love knows no boundaries such as age. Even though I am young, the experiences I’ve gone through have taught me not to let go of a true thing. And I honestly believe this is true. This is real. This is perfect. I am the happiest I’ve been in years, and it’s all thanks to him. I love him, as he loves me. And these measly words I’ve written here cannot even begin to describe it.So yea, this is me. A changed person. I am no longer a cutter (though I may have the scars). I am no longer an anorexic (though I may have the pain). I am me. A person who has changed for the better. My name is Sarah Nichole Cox, and I will never be ashamed of that again.
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SANYO Electric Co. Ltd. S1213
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80
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Exposure
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Focal Length
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Hey there. So you may have noticed I deleted my first ever post on this page. It was talking about who I was then. Well I haven’t been on here in months and I figured a friend of mine helped me figure out where my profile was again so I’d go on and change some things haha.
So as I had said, I’ve changed and I figured the picture with this post would help define me for, well, me.
If you read my last post on here I had recently had some issues with self-harm (cutting, anorexia, etc…) and even more recently had had some relapses with these issues. I had cut once almost a month ago for the first time since January. And had some issues with my eating habits. Hell, I still have eating issues.
But guys, I’m better. A lot better.
With the issues that I have lived through (as you can see in my last post again) I have changed for the better. I no longer cut, and I will not starve myself (on purpose) again.
I’ve been going to therapy since the end of July of last year and it used to be every week, and has now reduced to once a month. (Yay!)
After overcoming my issues, I’m able to see the world as I used to…no, Better than I used to. The world is a beautiful place if you just stop and watch. In the picture above, that wasn’t staged. I stood there breathless as the wind went through my hair, as the waves crashed at my feet and as the birds flew above my head. Everyday I wake up and wish I was able to look out my window to see another worldly beauty. I can honestly say, that going through the things I have, have all changed me into the person I am today.

Without my friends, my ex’s, and my family, I would not have even lived to today. I thank you all. Because, even if you don’t accept all my issues and don’t always agree with me, you’re always there to help me out of a hole I’m in. Without you, I probably would not be alive today.

I have a new boyfriend. His name is Brian :)
He’s perfect even if he doesn’t see it. He has helped me more than anyone. He’s accepted me and all of my flaws; just as I have with him. There’s something different with him than anyone I’ve known before. Something pure, perfect, and amazing. We think that this might be the “real-deal”. And yes, I know I’m only 17 (almost 18) and I know he’s only 18 (almost 19) but love knows no boundaries such as age. Even though I am young, the experiences I’ve gone through have taught me not to let go of a true thing. And I honestly believe this is true. This is real. This is perfect. I am the happiest I’ve been in years, and it’s all thanks to him. I love him, as he loves me. And these measly words I’ve written here cannot even begin to describe it.

So yea, this is me. A changed person. I am no longer a cutter (though I may have the scars). I am no longer an anorexic (though I may have the pain). I am me. A person who has changed for the better. My name is Sarah Nichole Cox, and I will never be ashamed of that again.

The Ponderings of Life

Life

The word alone brings about so many different feelings to so many other people. Your take on it may be completely different compared to, say the man you saw in the store earlier. You never know just how that person feels… You may see them cry and think “oh they’re sad, I should see if I can help” when really that person may be overcome with joy. Or you may see a person smile and think they’re happy when really they’re trying to hide the sadness that’s slowly taking over. In your life you will see all these things and think it’s all normal in your life. You may only think of it one way but think of it as the man in the store, what is his views on it all? You may have never thought of it this way but in life there will be that person who annoys you or makes you feel weird but maybe they’ve never known any different… Maybe your ways are weird to them.

You have to remember not to just automatically judge someone on how they act but on how they think, react, how they live.

My Life’s Understandings

In my life so far there have been ups and downs. I have been dealing with some of the downs lately. When people see me in the halls at school I can tell that as soon as they see me they judge me…. I can tell because of the looks I get from everyone. But these people don’t realize that looking at me, or anyone for that fact, like that for so long will burn that image into their minds. This person may start to infer as to what one of these people mean with this look. They might begin to believe that, yea, they’re weird or messed up. Who knows.

People give me these weird looks as if I’m some freak of nature because I dress differently and I walk through the halls with my head down when really they don’t know that I pay attention to it all. I know the random little comments that they make, I’ve heard it all…. They just think I’m weird because of how I dress and act. But little do they know, I just had the worst summer of my life. They like to believe I’m crazy and pathetic because they have reason to believe that I cut myself, which I used to… I’ve been getting better though… My friend asked me today why I still wear my wristband… Well I simply answered saying that people may have their suspicions about it but I don’t want them to know it was true. I want people to know me for me, not for “that poor girl” or anything like that.

People may think of me as crazy or pathetic when really they don’t even know me. They’re so quick to judge and they don’t even stop to think “hey, maybe she really does have more than just the superficial stuff going on.” They just automatically believe that its the normal things that every teenage girl goes through. Little do they know, I went to therapy this morning with my mom. Sitting in that room with a therapist and my mom talking about me as if I weren’t even there. Mom explaining me and my past from when I was 3 to now wishing she were talking about someone else but knowing I couldn’t be that lucky. Knowing that no matter how much I wish and try to believe it couldn’t be me that they’re talking about that it wouldn’t change a thing. That its who I am and always will be and there’s no way to change it.

Hearing about the poor little girls and boys who had to grow up way too fast well we all hope and pray for them but you never know what it feels like.

I sat in that doctor’s office this morning with my mother explaining to this doctor I had met not even an hour before about a poor little almost 4 year old girl and her almost 7 year old brother who were molested by their mother’s younger brother who was almost 16…. How their uncle got off with no charge how he only went to therapy for his own screwed up tendencies… As I sat there, my breath became heavy and I almost cried for the fact that I wished with all my heart that this wasn’t, couldn’t be me that she was describing, although I also knew with all my mind that it was. And my mind would never let me forget it, what with the vivid memory flashes that are sent through my mind at the shear mention of his name.

They give me these weird looks and yet they don’t know that, or the fact that the people who wanted to call themselves my family for 6 years that I lived in Florida made my life a living hell for the next year after I moved back to NC. Or that every person I get close to always seem to hurt me in the end… They think I’m weird for the fact that I don’t trust them and yet its for the fact that everyone seems to find a way to hurt me anyways so what’s the point in pointless trust?

People

People like to automatically judge someone just because of how they look or act. When really, do you even know them for them? Think about what they may have been through before and remember that they view everything differently than you… No matter how black and white someone wants the world to be, there’s always going to be the shades of gray in between that you may never hear about or know but they’re still there whether you like it or not.

Learn before you judge.
Know before you trust.
Trust before you love.
Love before you live.


~Sarah <3

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